


When does winning not feel like winning?

by EVictoria



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: F/F, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, This will hurt, Who am I kidding I live in hell I am Satan, this is why i can't have nice things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 16:50:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5878303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EVictoria/pseuds/EVictoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Answer: when you've lost the one you won for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When does winning not feel like winning?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Amy- I still miss you x](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Amy-+I+still+miss+you+x).



> For my darling Mathilde; LOL HAVE FUN DYING.
> 
> For extra hurt, listen to Please Don't Go by Barcelona, This Is Gospel by Panic! At the Disco, Wait by M83 and Bed of Roses by Bon Jovi. Yes, I made a soundtrack. Sue me.
> 
> I own nothing. (Duh.)

** When does winning not feel like winning? **

  
**Answer: when you've lost** **the one you won for.**

 

 

It wasn't meant to be like this. I swear, it wasn't. Things just started to escalate, bad decisions were made, some by me. Mostly by me. We didn't know how to stop it, there was nothing else we could have done.

  
It was save the world

  
-or save you.

 

 

Before

I rolled over to silence the alarm, before rolling back to face you.

  
“Morning, love.” I said, knowing full well you were awake.

  
A groan slipped from your lips by way of reply.

  
I pressed a gentle kiss to your cheek, before sliding out of bed.

  
“Come on! World’s not going to save itself!”

  
You finally opened your eyes and sighed.

  
“I suppose not…”

  
Leaning over the bed, I pulled you close for a kiss. It was gentle and sweet, and it ended too soon.

  
If I would have known what was going to happen, I would have grabbed you, pulled the covers over our heads and kissed you all day.

  
Instead, we just went about our morning in the usual fashion, all coffee cups and “have you seen my…”s.

  
We didn’t know it would be our last.

 

 

When we got to work, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There was nothing to suggest that anything was going to happen.

  
“I’ll be in the labs if you need me, okay?” You said, already walking away.

  
I should have said no. Should have told you to stay with me for as long as possible, should have cherished every second.

  
“Alright, see you at lunch!” I didn’t even shoot you a backwards glance.

 

 

A few hours passed with very little going on, mainly paperwork and a minor Slitheen invasion, nothing special.

  
Until exactly 11:42.

  
“Stewart!” Bonnie yelled, bursting into my office, panicking and wheezing.

  
“Inhaler,” I said automatically.

  
She took a quick puff, before gesticulating wildly at the small TV in my office.

  
“Turn on the news! Quickly!”

  
I grabbed the remote on the desk next to me, doing as she said.

  
“Millions of lives are being lost all across the globe as metal men swarm the streets, firing at innocents and taking no prisoners…” The reporter carried on talking, but by then I wasn’t listening, already jumping into action, dragging your sister along with me.

  
“Kate!” There you were, hurrying along the corridor towards me, waving your handheld. “Bonnie!”

  
“What have you got for me?” I asked, all business.

  
“There’s a massive radio signal being sent from just out the city, we traced it back from one of the cybermen we managed to deactivate and bring in. We’ve pinpointed the location to a converted warehouse.” You look up at me, and oh, how I wish that I didn’t say my next few words.

  
“Take a team and go scout it out, try and disable it if possible. Bonnie, you go too. Together you should be able to sort something out.”

  
Bonnie just nodded and headed off, but you stayed for a moment longer.

  
“What will you be doing?” You asked, concern threading itself through your voice.

  
“Trying to diffuse the panic and get rid of as many as possible until we figure out a long-term solution.” I was already itching to get away, to get on with the job.

  
Why couldn’t I have just given you some of my time?

  
“Be careful, Kate.” You told me, your eyes serious. It was as though you knew, somehow, that something was going to happen.

  
“Of course I will, love. And you too.” I reached for your hand and gave it a squeeze. I should never have let go.

  
“Don’t worry about me!” You said with a smile.

  
We lean forward and give the obligatory ‘goodbye kiss’. It was nothing spectacular, no fireworks or passion or burning desire. Just a quick peck on the lips.

  
God, if only I’d known! I would have held you close and kissed you until you saw stars. I would have told you I loved you more than any living thing in the whole of creation. I would have made sure you knew just how amazing you are…were.

  
You smiled slightly and followed your sister. Your hand slipped from mine for what I now know to be the last time, and I watched you leave, thinking I’d see you again.

 

 

After that, things went from bad to worse. The casualties increased, and the army commander who tried to take charge involuntarily sent several troops to be slaughtered. I went to the black archive, looking for old weapons to combat cyber tech. Big mistake. They seemed to absorb the energy in the blasts, making them more lethal than ever. The death toll mounted.

 

“Osgood, please give me some good news.” I sighed into the phone.

  
“Er, about that.” Your voice sounded tense and rushed.

  
“Os?”

  
“We can’t shut it down. We’ve tried everything short of blowing it up, but nothing’s working! I can’t stop it, Kate!”

  
“Don’t worry. Look, we’ll figure something out!” I tried to reassure you, and it seemed to work. You had such trust in me.

  
“Okay. What do you want me to do?”

  
I should have said: “Come back here.”

  
I should have said: “Just get out of there.”

  
I should have said: “I need you here with me, I love you.”

  
Instead, I said the words that will forever haunt me.

  
“Just stay where you are.”

  
“Alright. It’s going to be okay, Kate, you’ll sort this out, you always do.” Your faith in me didn’t seem so misplaced at the time.

  
“Thank you. See you later.”

  
I love you. _I love you. I LOVE YOU!_

  
“Bye.”

 

 

Things were getting more and more frantic at the base, the entire telephone network had crashed, and I was unable to get through to you. Everyone was looking to me for a decision.

  
“Ma’am, the only logical way to proceed is to bomb the warehouse and eradicate the source!” The army general was shouting at me.

  
“Ma’am, I’ve got a lock on, waiting for your order!” The soldier at the missile launcher was shouting at me.

  
“There are innocent people in there! Innocent people under my care!” _My girlfriend_ , I wanted to add.

  
“Millions- _billions_ \- more will die if we don’t stop this!”

  
I was torn. He was right, it was the only thing left to do. I had the power to end it all. I could save the world, but I’d lose the one person who _was_ my world.

  
It was now or never.

  
I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, took a deep breath, and tried (unsuccessfully) not to think about how I’d never see you again, never hear your voice or feel your touch.

 

 

“Do it.”

 

 

 

 

After

“Hi, this is Osgood, I’m sorry I can’t get to the phone at the moment, I’m probably busy saving the world or something equally dramatic. Please leave a message after the beep!”

  
I can’t bring myself to cancel your phone contract, because that would mean never hearing your voice again. I know I shouldn’t torture myself like this, but the thought of moving on, of accepting you’re not coming back, hurts more.

 

 

I know, logically, that there was nothing else I could have done, but that doesn’t stop me blaming myself. There are so many things about that day I should have done differently.

I didn’t even tell you I loved you.

 

 

The funeral was a relatively small affair, just close family and friends. I had a whole speech prepared, but as soon as I stood up, I started sobbing uncontrollably and your father had to look after me. He’s so like you. So caring, so kind.

 

I don’t know what to do now, Os. How do I carry on without you? How do I go about my life after what I did?

Nothing feels right.

The house feels too big, our bed too empty, the labs too quiet.

Everywhere I go is haunted by you.

 

 

If I could go back, redo that fateful day, I’d never let you out of my sight. I should never have let you go.

I know that we won, know that we saved the world.  
But I didn’t win. I lost.

 

I lost you.


End file.
